A few weeks back I had a rant post about me not feeling well and then another about still not feeling good. Well guess what this has been going on for at least half a year now and probably longer, I don't even know anymore.
This is not your garden variety of having a shitty day, no this is constantly struggling to get out of bed each morning because you feel the day will suck anyway. Now imagine a graph with a straight line in the middle that straight line represents feeling ok, not bad but not really good either. My mood and feelings have been way under that straight line for a really long time now. I don't have the energy and the motivation to do anything anymore, my head is so full it literally hurts, my concentration is gone and here's the real kicker I tend not to tell people I'm not doing well, so about two week ago I confessed to my dad I'm having some mental problems. My dad being my dad made an appointment with my general practitioner and set the entire process in motion. I really didn't want to go, sit there and basically tell him I have been depressed for at least half a year now. Because let's face it, who's wants to say the have a depression when they're 20. I certainly don't but yeah, my dad knows me and also knows that I'm not feeling well is Baarspuls for in five minutes I'll collapse on the floor of exhaustion/sickness/whatever. The entire family on my moms side has this problem, my mom did the same with her depression and my granddad did something similar (no depression though). My general practitioner gave me two options, the first one was to send me to a psychologist and the second one was to send me to social work. I choose the latter because social work is less admitting you have a problem than going to psychologist. Writing this down I realize this is still somewhat of running away from my problems but dammit I don't want to admit just yet that something is seriously wrong with me.
The real kicker about social work was that you have to call them yourself to make an appointment and of course I really, really didn't want to do it. To cover my ass in way I told some people about my problems so they'd be on my ass about it. In the end I didn't make the appointment myself, once again my dad did it. You only get five appointments with social work and I know I probably need more than that but maybe after those five appointments I really ready to admit I have a problem. Until then I'll just be me and soldier on.
By now you're probably wondering why put this on the goddamn internet for everyone to see? And you have your reason right there, just because I normally keep everything to myself I decided it was a good thing to put it out in the open where everyone can read it. At this moment it still seems like a good idea, I'll probably regret it later but by then people will already have read this and know I'm not alright. Here's to hoping my plan won't backfire on me!
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