I have not been feeling really happy lately, I just haven't. Every day just seems to repeat itself, wake up, get dressed, try to do stuff for uni/going to lecture, get home, drink tea, eat something, have dinner and go to sleep. I want to do fun stuff but for some reason I'm still stuck in my home writing this instead of doing fun stuff. I could make an educated guess as to why I'm not doing what i want to do and will be doing exactly that. This blog isn't just for lolita only but also for when I'm not doing so well. I have the tendency not to tell people when I'm not feeling ok so they won't worry about and after a while my batteries are dead. I just can't do it anymore and I break down. I sorta want to avoid it by writing down why I'm not feeling happy but even on the internet it's hard.
|What it feels like to be me atm|
First of all I'm stressed out to the max, a while ago when I was having a Bond movie marathon with two good friends from university my mom sent me a text telling me to call my aunt because something seriously bad had happened. So I called my aunt and didn't get through, tried it again, still didn't work. When she called me back I learned that my mom has a severe depression and she had some really bad money problems. I never knew this would happen to my mom of all people, me being my usual self got worried the instant I heard it and that half hour on the phone seemed to last forever. Praise the lord my friends were there so I had someone to talk to, I swear those guys are the best in the world! Apparently it is so severe that my sister who had a big ass fight with my dad and didn't want to see him anymore moved back there. And then it hit me, I was stuck here in Rotterdam and I couldn't do anything. Like nothing at all, even if I were to go back to Wijk I still wouldn't be able to do something. And that sucks, I love all my friends and family dearly so when something happens to them I get worries sick, I try to make life better for them. But realizing that wouldn't work this time made me stress out.
Then a few weeks later when I was back in Wijk again my dad dropped another bomb. My sister, the one that has been living with my mom, was also at risk for a burn out because she had been running the household. This depression of my moms has been going for a while and it started after I moved out so I never knew something was up as I didn't go back to my parents as much. I moved not only because of the closer proximity to my university but also because I was sick and tired of all the fighting going on at home.
So yeah there you have it, but unfortunately this isn't all. You know that feeling when you're in love and it gets taken away from you? That hurts, like a great big deal. I have to admit that I have never ever been really in love with someone despite having had 4 boyfriends before meeting my most recent ex. It all began like all of my relationships start, well we'll see where this ends. And slowly but surely I started falling in love and then in my christmas vacation it was taken all away. It feels like your world is caving in at the moment. And it sucks, I was finally happy for once... I am always wary of relationships because I tend to fuck them up but I guess this just wasn't meant to be.
I would never do this in real life but I'm crying writing all of this, I've tried to be strong but I can't do it anymore. I want to go out and have a good time but then my final problem kicks in. I don't want to it alone, I don't want to be alone but I'm too scared to ask people if they wanna do stuff with me. This had been affecting me for most of my life now and it's no fun. I'm shy and introverted to the point where even calling a friend is hard task and answering texts isn't my favorite thing in the world either. So I just sit here behind my laptop contemplating my life and thinking about all the shit I would have done differently if I could. It's hard when you want to go out and have a fun time but you're being held back because of some stupid mental thing. And no, I cannot get over it. I know most of you who read this blog know that but just to be sure. For the past couple of months I have not been feeling well, I barely sleep and when I do sleep enough I wake up still tired. This partially to blame on my iron deficiency so I have been eating cashew nuts and appelstroop but for a great deal this is because I haven't been feeling ok.
When the idea of writing this post popped into my head last night I had already formulated beautiful sentences to describe what I was feeling but as with all good ideas at 1 in the night I didn't get out of bed and started writing right away.
To end on a slightly happier note, I have found a mint blouse for my Sugar Fairy Coord! It's a gorgeous AP blouse in L size. I have another AP blouse that is the normal size but the sleeves are a tad too short. The waist and bust of this blouse I bought are much bigger than my own but I'm hoping that the sleeves will be the correct length because I love long sleeved blouses more than the short sleeved variant.